DIARY OF A TETHERED WOMAN

YOU KNOW WHY YOU’RE HURTING? YOU’RE BEING ATTACHED TO SOMEONE WHO IS BEING DISTANT TOWARDS YOU. YOU’RE TOO CARING TO SOMEONE WHO SEEMS CARELESS TOWARDS YOU. YOU KEEP WAITING ON SOMEONE WHO IS STALLING FOR YOU.

An Intelligent 4$s Person. Jk it’s from lifequotes

Isn’t it selfish that you get to check for me but you don’t talk to me?

It’s almost disrespectful. To say it ‘feels’ weird rebuilding our friendship. As if there weren’t moments I felt weird but because I KNEW I wanted to not just have you in my life, I wanted to weave you oh so intricately into my stories. Especially with my music.

It hurts that I could push past and stay even in moments where I felt doing so would be to my detriment. Then again, maybe I am focused on the wrong thing. Maybe my intuition was warning me that it wouldn’t be just that moment that was working to my detriment, but our entire interaction. I can’t help but still feel that way when you comfortably pree my tweets but to use the same phone and reach out to me poses impossible.

Maybe this is just who you are.

I wouldn’t say I made excuses on your behalf. The only thing you owed me was reciprocity. Reciprocity that you did give, albeit wavering.

What needs to happen is me letting go. I am used to literally running away from my problems. That’s just how life worked out for me. I get done for some stuff, I ran. Problems at home, I ran. Dealing with my dad’s departure, I ran and in many ways, am still running. Even when things were at its worst with my mom, I ran. Shit, at every inconvenience we had, I ran. As fast and far as I could. But this, this is the first emotional inconvenience, hurdle….problem I’ve had to remain in the same vicinity. I didn’t have the option to run & even when I did manage to catch a flight, I was gone for a week and social media made me feel like I never even left.

He’s everywhere. In my thoughts, in my freestyles, all over Crosslegged With The Demons. Everywhere.

I am almost very disappointed in myself that the person my being chose to be tethered to isn’t even using my attachment to play tether ball, nah, that would require acknowledging such a tether existed. That is, except for those once-in-3 month FaceTime conversations that last hours and leave me exhausted and with feelings of diminishing self worth. So why am I still available? Hell if I know.

I don’t want to hate him; which I’ve been called foolish for- but I do not hate anyone; so why hate someone who’s been more good than bad to me? It doesn’t register correct with me. Yet I fear the other side of how I feel presently may be hate. Hatred for not being to me as I was to him. Which, in its own right, is extremely unfair to who he is, good or bad.

Nothing outside the tip of my nose is within my control therefore I must manage my expectations from them.

But it’s about the principle, isn’t it?

I found some spots on my skin and I fear they may be cancer. That or I am desperately looking for something else to over think and over analyse so as to wean my mental off him.

⁃ .aida

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